Celebrity Deathmatch: Squaresoft Series
by Zero Prime
Summary: Imagine what Celebrity Deathmatch would be like if Squaresoft offered to juice things up! Warning: May have extremely short matches with completely unexpected endings.
1. Episode 1

CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH  
SQUARESOFT SERIES EPISODE 1  
  
Johnny: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the first episode  
of the Celebrity Deathmatch Squaresoft Series. I'm Johnny Gomez. Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. Now let's go to the match lineup.  
Johnny: In Fight #1, we have a clash between the two masters of  
the gunblade. It's Seifer Almasy against Squall Leonhart. Magic and  
GFs will be permitted in this unique match.  
Nick: For Fight #2, we received a request from our good friend  
Cloud Strife. It seems that he can't choose between Tifa and Aeris!  
Therefore, to fix that, we'll have the two RPG gurus duke it out in  
the Dome of Devastation!  
Johnny: Uhhh.Nick, the last time we used the Dome of Devastation,  
it was a 3-person match.  
Nick: Oh, yeah! Just let me PHS someone very quick! (He calls  
someone and begins whispering to s/him) Psst.could you get over here  
quick?  
?????: Sure! I'll be there in plenty of time!  
Nick: Thanks! Bye!  
Johnny: Nick, who did you call?  
Nick: You'll see in the second match!  
Johnny: OK. For our final match, we pulled the sword masters of  
SOLDIER. Yes, it's a match between Cloud and Sephiroth! Before the  
match, each fighter will select a sword to use in the match. They will  
not be permitted to switch in the middle of the match, however.  
Nick: Now for our first match. In the red corner, the former  
leader of the disciplinary committee, a knight under the Sorceress  
Ultimecia, and armed with the Hyperion gunblade, Seifer Almasy!  
Seifer: Why do you keep trying to prove yourself, Squall? Just  
give up already!  
Mills: And in the blue corner, the first gunblade specialist  
in SeeD and armed with the legendary Lionheart gunblade, Squall  
Leonheart!  
Squall: ... Whatever.  
Mills: Alright you two! I want a good clean fight! No  
disciplinary committee!  
Fujin: RAGE!  
Raijin: Mills! Why ya doin' this to us, ya know?!  
Mills: Junction your GFs!  
Seifer: Ultimecia has trusted me with Tiamat. We will overwhelm  
you!  
Squall: Tiamat?!? Very well, then. I will choose two GFs. Bahamut!  
Eden! Come to me!  
Bahamut: I await your command, Squall.  
Eden: He shall face his final opponents.  
Mills: Now let's get it on!  
Seifer: Tiamat, begin preparing your Dark Flare attack!  
Squall: Bahamut, prepare to counter Tiamat's attack!  
Bahamut: It feels very awkward to fight my own brother GF, but I  
will do whatever is necessary.  
Seifer: Care for a little pain, Squall? (He uses Demon Slice on  
Squall)  
Squall: Uhhh. It's not over yet, Seifer! (Squall casts Aura on  
himself) Eden, be ready for the second to last attack. I'll finish him  
off after you weaken him.  
Eden: Very well, Squall.  
Seifer: Tiamat! Use Dark Flare!!!  
Squall: Bahamut! Counter with Mega Flare! (The arena is engulfed  
in a blaze of light, as Tiamat is blown clear out of the building)  
Mills: Tiamat has left the building. It is out of the  
battle!  
Seifer: SQUALL!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!!! (Seifer casts Ultima on  
Squall)  
Squall: Eden! Hit him now! (Seifer gets hit by a fully boosted  
Eternal Breath)  
Seifer: . You forget that I have a full stock of Reflects and  
Curagas!!! (He casts Reflect and Curaga on himself, with Reflect  
coming first. But the Curaga hits the Reflect barrier and fully  
restores Squall!!!) Uhhh. whoops?  
Squall: Now to finish you off! Renzokuken! (It hits a full eight  
times!!!) With the strength of the lion, I shall finish you. LION  
HEART!  
Seifer: I have failed you, Ultimecia! (dies)  
Mills: The winner of the match is. (Squall's cellphone  
starts ringing)  
Squall: Hello?  
Rinoa: Squall! Remember when we crashed into Lunatic  
Pandora?  
Squall: Yeah.What's your point?  
Rinoa: OUR INSURANCE COMPANY'S REFUSING TO PAY!!!  
Squall: OK. I'll take care of it as soon as I can get a lift over  
to the Shinra office.  
Rinoa: Bye!  
Squall: Hey, Cid! Can I borrow the Highwind?  
Cid: Sure. Just get it back in one piece, or I'll &%@# you up!  
Johnny: And it's time for a commercial break!  
(Emergency Broadcast System Test)  
Johnny: That's our commercial? OK. Now for our second match.  
Nick: In the red corner, the owner of 7th Heaven and the  
childhood friend of Cloud Strife, Tifa Lockheart!  
Tifa: MILLS! If you don't stop staring at my chest, I'll bash  
your skull in!  
Nick: In the blue corner, the flower girl of Midgar and the last  
surviving Ancient, Aeris Gainsborough!  
Aeris: Cloud is MINE! M-I-N-E! MINE!  
Nick: And in the. black cloak, just standing in the middle of  
the ring for no apparent reason, our mystery combatant!  
?????: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!  
Mills: Just get this fight goin'!  
Tifa: Aeris, do you know who that is?  
Aeris: No clue, Tifa. Wanna gang up on "it?"  
Tifa: Sure! (Aeris rips off the cloak)  
Both: Yuffie?!?  
Yuffie: Yep. I wanna show you guys my new Materia, up close and  
personal! (She pulls out the Ultima materia)  
Aeris: Yoink! (She swipes the materia from Yuffie and  
immediately casts Ultima on Tifa and Yuffie)  
Yuffie: (dies---who keeps her in a fanfic these days, anyway?)  
Tifa: (dies) Cloud: Ready for our date, Aeris? Aeris: Sure!  
Mills: (dazed from the Ultima spell) Geez! That was quick!  
Aeris wins the match AND Cloud's heart!  
Johnny: (also dazed) I saw a bright light.  
Nick: Yeah, yeah. I saw it too, but it wasn't that bright light  
most people see.  
Johnny: OK, then. Now for our final match. Here's Stone Cold Steve  
Austin with the pre-match coverage.  
Stone Cold: Well, Johnny, we have a classic battle between good and  
evil in the works right now. Let's take a look at the two fighters.  
Johnny: In the red corner, we have Cloud Strife. He's a former  
SOLDIER that now fights alongside the rebellious AVALANCHE group. His  
special skills are Meteorain and Omni-Slash.  
Nick: In the blue corner, we have the legendary Sephiroth. Also  
a former SOLDIER, he has constantly been trying to destroy the planet.  
His special skill is Shadow Flare, which all but kills the victim. Now  
for the start of the match.  
Mills: OK, people. I want a good clean fight. Just get some  
blood on the people in the cheap seats! Now let's get it on!  
Cloud: You heard the man. Let's spill some blood!  
Sephiroth: Very well, then. Bolt3!  
Cloud: Reflect! (Bolt3 bounces off Cloud and on to Sephiroth)  
Sephiroth: Oww.that hurt! I guess spells are useless, so I'll just  
have to use my specialty. Shadow Flare!  
Cloud: (in pain, but his Limit gauge filled 3 times over!)  
Sephiroth: What have I done? Am I done for?  
Cloud: You guessed it! Om... ni... slash... times... 3!  
Sephiroth: Oh crap. (dies from the final blow of the 3rd Omni-Slash.  
His blood gets splashed all over the people in the cheap seats!)  
Mills: The winner is Cloud Strife!   
Cloud: No prob. They all had it coming, anyway.  
Johnny: Well, Nick, tonight was really interesting.  
Nick: You said it, Johnny. But do you have any idea where that  
damn Emergency Broadcast System Test came from?  
Johnny: I don't have a clue. But tonight's show is over. I'm  
Johnny Gomez.  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond, saying.  
Both: Good fight, good night!  
  
This episode was created by BassDelux  
Look for Episode 2! 


	2. Episode 2

Celebrity Deathmatch  
Squaresoft Series Episode 2  
  
Johnny: Welcome to the second part of the Celebrity Deathmatch  
Squaresoft Series. I'm Johnny Gomez.  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. And boy do we have a lineup for you  
tonight!  
Johnny: Yes, we do have quite a lineup. And if I'm not mistaken,  
we have quite a large final match.  
Nick: Let's get through the other two matches, first. Our first  
match is a cross-game battle. The legendary Gear pilot, Fei, was  
recently challenged to a fight by our old buddy Garland. It's a clash  
between two totally different worlds!  
Johnny: Fight Two involves two of the best fighters that  
Squaresoft came up with. Celebrity Deathmatch has joined forces with  
the Ehrgeiz Tournament in order to produce an epic battle between  
Vincent Valentine and Irvine Kinneas. It's the battle of the  
sharpshooters, and only one can be rewarded with the Champion Sniper  
award! Don't miss out!  
Nick: Our main event features the baddest of the bad. We're  
pitting the main enemies of Final Fantasy VII, VIII, and IX against  
each other in a Triple Threat match! It's Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and  
Kuja in a match so dangerous that we need an NYPD officer to ref this  
match! Watch and wait, because we're not telling you who the referee  
is!  
Johnny: Well, it looks like the first match is about to get  
underway. Let's go to the ring.  
Mills: In the red corner, we have the legendary pilot of  
Xenogears, Fei!  
Fei: .It is time to avenge the deaths of my friends.  
Mills: And in the blue corner, we have the leader of Terra  
and the Destroyer of Worlds, Garland!  
Garland: The people of Terra are counting on me to defeat you, Fei.  
Mills: Now, each of you can use any type of move that you  
want, except using Xenogears or the Invincible. Now let's get it on!  
Fei: Go ahead and make your move, Garland.  
Garland: Very well, young fool. You shall perish! Thundaga!  
Fei: (recovering from mild shock) That was a pretty powerful  
attack for an old man. Now it's my turn! (Fei goes into a Fukei combo)  
Garland: (limping after a powerful blow to his right leg) I must  
admit, you are about as strong as Kuja. I am very impressed.  
Kuja: No, Garland. I'm stronger!  
Fei: Just shut up, old man! Time to finish you off! Big Bang!  
Garland: (dies from a massive blow to his head)  
Fei: Perhaps you'll learn to respect life through your own  
death, Garland.  
Zidane: Way to go, Fei!  
Kuja: Thanks for doing me a favor, Fei. I'll let you keep your  
life.  
Fei: Thanks, you two.  
Mills: Congratulations, Fei. I couldn't even stand that old  
man.  
Fei: Thanks, Mills. I'd better get going now. Xenogears  
probably wants some company. Take care!  
Johnny: Well that was short and interesting.  
Nick: Yes it was, Johnny. Now for our. what the *&^$? A whole  
bunch of feds just busted in here! Any idea what they're doing here?  
Johnny: Considering what happened a few years back, they've  
probably traced bin Laden's satellite phone signal to the Deathmatch  
arena. And I think he's sitting in the first row!  
  
Nick: Now that's a fitting end for him!  
Johnny: That's right, Nick. How's that for getting a taste of your  
own terrorist tactics?  
Nick: Pretty good, Johnny. Now for our second match.  
Mills: In the red corner, wearing the dark maroon cloak and  
carrying the legendary Death Penalty, Vincent Valentine!  
Vincent: ...  
Mills: Uhhh... okay... Well, in the blue corner, wearing a  
classic tan coat and carrying the Exeter rifle, Irvine Kinneas!  
Irvine: This one's for you, Sefie!  
Selphie: Go Irvie!!!  
Squall: ... (why am I babysitting her?)  
Mills: Alright, I want a good clean fight. No back shots and  
no instant kills, 'cause they make things go TOO quick. Let's see some  
blood! Now let's get it on!  
Vincent: Alright, Irvine. Are you ready for the eternal sleep?  
(aims the Death Penalty at Irvine's shoulder)  
Irvine: Go ahead and try to stop me! (shoots at Vincent's hands,  
forcing him to drop the Death Penalty)  
Vincent: (leans down and picks up his gun) Okay, so you're at least an  
AVERAGE shot, but let's see if you can handle the pressure!  
Irvine: What pressure are you talking about?  
Vincent: I dare you to shoot me right through my heart!  
Irvine: (flashes back to the Deling City assassination attempt and  
begins to tremble)  
Vincent: What's wrong, "Irvie"?  
Irvine: I... I... can't do it...  
Vincent: And that's what makes you weak. Now it's time to make you  
pay for your weakness!!! (shoots Irvine in his arms and legs)  
Irvine: (falls to the ground, all but dead) Go ahead and finish me  
off...  
Vincent: If you so desire... (shoots Irvine in the head) Now, find  
your peace...  
Mills: The winner, Vincent Valentine!!! (hands Vincent the  
Champion Sniper trophy)  
Vincent: Thank you, Mills. (jumps out of the arena)  
Johnny: We have to stop booking these quick fights, Nick.  
Nick: Yeah, tell me about it. But at least this last one's gonna be  
the longest! Let's go over to Stone Cold Steve Austin for the details!  
Stone Cold: Alright, you Deathmatch fans, we have a nice little treat  
for you! A three-way match between the badasses of Final Fantasy 7, 8  
and 9. That's right, Sephiroth, Ultimecia and Kuja in one massive  
fight to the death! And for the pre-match stack-up. Johnny?  
Johnny: I believe Sephiroth's reputation proceeds him, so we won't  
go into describing him. So, on to Ultimecia. She's the most powerful  
of all Sorceresses, capable of disrupting time and space to her will.  
Her chosen GF is Griever, which, ironically, is the name of the lion  
on Squall's ring! Go figure!  
Nick: And now for Kuja. The second-strongest of Terra's Genome  
population, he broke away from Garland when he found out about his  
short lifespan. He has the ability to destroy almost anything he comes  
into contact with, and he now has the power of the Trance at his  
disposal. He'll provide a nice little challenge for the other two! Now  
onto Stacey Cornbread, who's standing by at the Deathmatch Time  
Machine.  
Stacey: I'm here with the mighty Sephiroth, who we've just brought  
into this time because the Sephiroth from our time got killed in the  
last episode. How do you plan to defeat these two powerful opponents?  
They seem like they'll prove to give you quite a challenge.  
Sephiroth: Yeah, I'll give 'em that much, Stacey. But Kuja's just a  
little girly boy, and Ultimecia... well... I don't know enough about  
her to truly judge her abilities. But I believe I'll pull through  
this.  
Stacey: Well said, Sephiroth. Good luck in the fight!  
Sephiroth: Thanks. (walks over to the arena as Kuja and Ultimecia do  
the same)  
Mills: In Corner #1, brandishing his famous Masamune, we have  
Sephiroth!  
Sephiroth: I will be victorious...  
Mills: In Corner #2, brandishing her own magical powers, the  
great Sorceress Ultimecia!  
Ultimecia: I am warning you all, when I am viktorious, time  
kompression will take place.  
Mills: And finally, in Corner #3, the second most powerful Terran  
Genome, Kuja!  
Kuja: Finally! I am given the opportunity to prove my supremacy over  
that old fool Garland!  
Mills: Alright, guys. Here's where I bow out and let the guest  
referee take over. And if you kill the guest referee, there're a bunch  
of laser turrets above to kill all of you guys! Now, bring in the ref!  
(An NYPD officer walks in, wearing a Kevlar vest and carrying two high-  
power pistols)  
Mills: Introducing Officer Aya Brea, the NYPD officer responsible  
for pulling New York City out of the "Eve" incident!  
Aya: So I have to keep these three guys from fighting dirty? Don't  
worry... I'll keep 'em under control. (begins charging her Parasite  
Energy - just in case) Alright, guys! FIGHT!  
Sephiroth: The girly boy is mine! (slashes Kuja's tail right off)  
Kuja: No one calls me a girly boy and gets away with it! (enters  
Trance and casts Ultima on both his opponents)  
Ultimecia: This Kuja fellow is quite the annoyance... I suggest that  
we kombine our powers to render him helpless, Sephiroth.  
Sephiroth: Agreed. I shall render his spells useless! (casts Silence  
on Kuja)  
Ultimecia: Now, to put the icing on the kake. Griever, I summon thee!  
(the GF Griever appears and wreaks havoc on Kuja by casting Shadow  
Flare on him)  
Kuja: It appears I could not become stronger than you, Garland. (dies)  
Sephiroth: Thank Jenova we don't have to deal with the girly boy  
anymore. But I believe our agreement has ended now! (goes to slash  
Ultimecia in half, but is stopped short as Ultimecia casts Protect)  
Ultimecia: It will take more than swordsmanship to kut me down,  
foolish one. (prepares to call Griever once more)  
Sephiroth: Not so fast, Ultimecia! (pulls out the Seal materia)  
Silence!  
(Ultimecia loses her connection with Griever)  
Sephiroth: Now for the Destruct materia! DeBarrier!  
(Ultimecia's Protect barrier is destroyed)  
Sephiroth: And now for the final act! Shadow Flare!  
Ultimecia: (takes full force of the attack) It appears time  
kompression will not take place after all. (dies)  
Aya: The winner is Sephiroth!  
Sephiroth: This was a rather challenging fight, but I have honored my  
word and pulled through. Now Jenova will become stronger!  
Aya: Not likely, idiot. Liberate!!! (Sephiroth is hit with every bit  
of Parasite Energy that Aya had stored up to that point in time)  
Sephiroth: I have failed you, mother... (dies)  
Aya: That was nowhere near as challenging as Eve was. (walks out of  
the arena)  
Mills: What was that for, Aya?  
Aya: He was out to subdue the planet, right? Let's just say the  
planet just subdued him through me. (continues to walk out)  
Mills: Right... (is now completely confused)  
Johnny: Well, that match WAS longer than the others, but that end  
left me thinking.  
Nick: What about?  
Johnny: That Aya Brea... what's her agenda?  
Nick: Well, if you remember history, the whole Eve Incident really  
changed her. Now she's about as powerful as Cloud or Squall, thanks to  
her own mitochondria.  
Johnny: But there's something eating at her. Like she's trying to  
hunt something down...  
Nick: Whatever. Who knows, though. Maybe she'll show up again!  
Johnny: Probably. Anyway, I'm Johnny Gomez.  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond, saying...  
Both: Good fight, good night!  
  
This episode was created by BassDelux  
Look for Episode 3 in about one month or so! Who knows, maybe it'll  
reveal what's been eating at Aya! 


End file.
